I'm not sure if I'm trying as hard as I can to heal my body, even as I realize the fallacy of such an idea - I must surrender to the flaccidity of MS when I feel too wobbly to take a walk, and if I create stress and dissatisfaction because of that, then I get to be stressed and dissatisfied as well..
I walk with a cane, now, mostly, which gives me a sense of stability. I am grateful to have surrendered to this need to support myself. It reminds me to slow down and be mindful in every step (when I remember to use it).
All is not grim. I've always felt myself to be better suited to a different century/culture/country, and, while I'm still here in Long Beach, 2013, things feel different to me now. It's my third act, I am 60 years old, nearer to completion, a little more so each day, (although I don't really feel that way except in my body). The Buddhist concept of the dharma allows for this time of life for the elders to put aside their worldly concerns and focus on spirit.
I walk with a cane, now, mostly, which gives me a sense of stability. I am grateful to have surrendered to this need to support myself. It reminds me to slow down and be mindful in every step (when I remember to use it).
All is not grim. I've always felt myself to be better suited to a different century/culture/country, and, while I'm still here in Long Beach, 2013, things feel different to me now. It's my third act, I am 60 years old, nearer to completion, a little more so each day, (although I don't really feel that way except in my body). The Buddhist concept of the dharma allows for this time of life for the elders to put aside their worldly concerns and focus on spirit.
What would it be like if I did not feel any guilt or sorrow about any of this? Partly, it could be the pleasure of sitting on my bed (made - this seems important) with the cats, and making an effort to fulfill a commitment I made to myself (writing). Maybe I could be hearing, instead of that voice of shame and doom, an inner voice that encourages me, saying things that are loving and supportive, telling me that I do have something to say.
It's interesting that the only times I feel absolutely free of guilt is when I think I might be dying. Then, I can perforate time, I can believe that I am not what I do, that I am not my body, and that I am worthy of love. But, without that monstrous foe to fight, I find myself back in the mundane world of the body, of scarcity and lack of power.
Not coincidentally, I am reading Carolyn Myss "Why People Don't Heal and How They Can". She talks about how much power there is in illness, how much extra credit you get, how often you are the center of attention. I had a reading when I was first diagnosed with my second episode of breast cancer, in which I was told "you don't have to get sick to give yourself what you need". I am still learning this, in fact it may be the lesson I am here to learn/teach.
For a long while, I could not write, because all I wanted to say was how much I hated MS and cancer; how angry I was to have been chosen to deal with this, (as if we have control in these matters) and the unfairness of it all. But, like the man said, "if you want fair, go to Pomona". When I can write about my illnesses as gurus, as parameters I have to live by, they become my fiercest teachers.
This isn't what I had in mind. But here it is anyway.
This isn't what I had in mind. But here it is anyway.
I love the fact that you are writing ... and living and dying all at the same time .
ReplyDeleteI read today ( Pema Chodrun ) "Impermanence is real " Every time you travel in a car , that might be the end. If you get really paranoid ,impermanence can drive you crazy because you are scared to step off the curb, you are scared to go out of your house .You realize how dangerous life is. It is good to realize how dangerous it is because that makes the sense of impermanence real . It is good to realize you will die , that death is right there on your shoulder all the time . Suzuki Roshi gave the instructions "Sit still . Don't anticipate. Just be wiling to die over and over again"
Even though it appears that you Jane , have been closer to death than i have .. i see that this is not true .... for it has indeed "always been sitting on my shoulder ".... i have just for whatever reason managed to not step in front of the moving train .
what a great teacher you have become .. or always were .. i just didn't take the time to notice .
xoxolizzie